Clouds of Praise

Shout joyfully to God, all the earth; Sing the glory of His name; Make His praise glorious.  Say to God, "How awesome are Your works!"   -- Psalm 66:1-3 (NASB)

Last night after I returned from teaching defensive driving in Burnet, TX, finishing up my paperwork and having something to eat, I was tired and sitting on the sofa half watching the NASCAR Nationwide race I had recorded earlier and reading the email that had accumulated during the day.  I sat back on the sofa to take a break from email and it hit me that God has provided so completely for my needs.  What a feeling of joy to know my God provides.

This morning in Bible Fellowship before the worship service, we were studying in Ephesians at a point where Paul praises God the Father.  At the end of the lecture, our instructor asked a good question:  Do we praise God enough?  She echoed what I think is the response of many of us:  No, we don't.  We spend more time asking and less time praising.

As I drove home after the worship service, I got to thinking about the praise issue.  God provides our needs and answers our prayers.  Shouldn't we thank and praise Him?  I think most of us do thank and praise but I suspect if we all sat down and listed our requests and our praises side by side, we'd find the request list would be way way longer than the thanks and praise list.  I think we should work very hard on reversing that situation.

One way that I praise God is through clouds.  I know, that sounds a bit weird.  But, I don't think it is.  I really like clouds.  There are so many different sizes and shapes and colorations and speeds of movement.  I associate clouds with God.  They are especially noticeable when I'm driving to Burnet or Marble Falls fairly early in the morning on the days I teach defensive driving there.  Traffic is usually light so it's a great opportunity to look at the clouds and praise God for their beauty.  Just so you know I'm not cloud centric, I also use that opportunity to praise God for the many beautiful (and some not so beautiful) things in nature, for example, trees of many kinds, grasses (especially those that wave gently in the fall breezes), cows and horses and dogs and cats, huge mountains and delicate little flowers.  His creations are many and varied - not to mention us.  The Creator is amazing.

Back to clouds.  God created clouds, but he used them in numerous situations as well.  And, since I did this research for my BSF class a few weeks ago, I thought I'd include it here:

• When God was leading the Israelites out of Egypt and across the desert.
  The Lord was going before them in a pillar of cloud by day to lead them on the way, and in a pillar of fire by night to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night.  He did not take away the pillar of cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people. -- Exodus 13:21-22 (NASB)
• After God had spoken the 10 Commandments to the Israelites in the desert:
  So the people stood at a distance, while Moses approached the thick cloud where God was.  --Exodus 20:21 (NASB)
• When Moses went back up the mountain to get the stone tablets from God:
  Then Moses went up to the mountain, and the cloud covered the mountain.  --Exodus 25:15 (NASB)
• After the Tabernacle was completed in the desert and God entered:
  Then the cloud covered the tent of meeting, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. --Exodus 40:34 (NASB)
• When Jesus took Peter, James and John up a high mountain and Jesus was transfigured:
  Then a cloud formed, over-shadowing them, and a voice came out of the cloud, "This is My beloved Son, listen to Him!"  -- Mark 9:7 (NASB) 
• Jesus was talking about His second coming:
  Then they will see THE SON OF MAN COMING IN CLOUDS with great power and glory.-- Mark 13:26 and repeated in Luke 21:27 (NASB)
• At Jesus' ascension to Heaven:
  And after He had said these things, He was lifted up which they were looking on, and a cloud received Him out of their sight.       --Acts 1:9 (NASB)     
• A search of the bible will show numerous other places where clouds are associated with God.  If you are interested, try www.biblegateway.com.  You can search for specific words, select verses to be displayed, select the version of the bible you want to use and even have the bible verses you select read to you.  Cool Tool!

So, I think you can see why I really like clouds!

Blessings,

Mary
              





        

 

Incorrigible Humans

Our Precept Inductive Bible Study finished yesterday.  Over the past 10 weeks we have studied the books of Ezra, Haggai and Nehemiah.  Excellent study!  We finished with Nehemiah yesterday.  Nehemiah covered the period from about 445 B.C. to about 415 B.C.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I adore Nehemiah; what a great leader he was.

Let's do a brief review (see my previous post God Uses Whoever He Chooses! (Oh, my, that rhymes . . .) dated October 31, 2010 for more details):

• The Jews were in captivity in Babylon which was captured by Persia.
• The Persians let the Jews go back to Jerusalem.
• The Temple in Jerusalem was rebuilt - completed in 516 B.C. 
• Ezra, a priest and scribe and lover of the Mosaic Law, went back to Jerusalem in 458 B.C. with the task of teaching the law and setting things up so everyone would follow the law.
• Over the next years the Jews began to fall away from adherence to the Law. They also made no attempt to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem or Jerusalem itself.  They were more concerned with their own homes outside Jerusalem.
• In 444/445 B.C. Nehemiah got word from his brother that Jerusalem was still in shambles after all these years.  Nehemiah was heart broken.
• Nehemiah got permission from King Artexerxes to return to Jerusalem as its governor to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem.
• Nehemiah was a great leader and got the job done.  He also got the Jews back on track with their adherence to the Law.  They restored their spiritual lives and had a really big celebration.  
• Then in 432 B.C. Nehemiah returned to the King in Babylon.  He was gone from Jerusalem for some number of years - probably at least 12 years.
• When Nehemiah return to Jerusalem, he found the Jews had returned to many of their old ways and the Levites had moved out of Jerusalem to work the fields because the people were not following the Law that required them to tithe their grain, wine, oil, animals, etc. to provide for the Levites.
• Nehemiah again went about the task of whipping the Jews back "into shape."  
• If you continue to study the history of Israel, you will see that they didn't stay "in shape" and haven't until this day.  In fact, today there is actually a small group of Jews (in Israel) who want to erase all signs of Judaism from their country (i.e., Star of David, Menorah, etc.) thinking that then the countries around them will accept them.  This reminds us of early on when the Israelites weren't happy with being a theocracy and asked God to give them a human king which He did.  They wanted to be more like the countries around them.     

So, what's the point of listing all these things here?  Just look at U.S. history, the history of most countries, most states, most organizations, most people, me, you.  This pattern of "getting in shape" and then failing to follow through is a pattern that is repeated over and over and over again.  

When our country was founded, we had a wonderful constitution (the Law).  Over the years we have drifted farther and farther away from that Law.  I'm hopeful we will get back on track although I'm not holding my breath.  History does not bode well for that to happen.

What about people who break the law and go to jail later swearing they have learned their lesson and won't do it again.  Some follow through on that but many do not and they end up back in jail. 

What about us, you and me.  Don't we sometimes make New Years resolutions?  Do we follow through with those resolutions.  Not so much.  I just have to talk to my personal trainer to understand that, at least as it relates to exercise.  Many people sign up in January but by the end of February, the ranks have thinned.

How many make resolutions that they will attend church every Sunday?  Then what happens?  Some stick with it and are blessed.  But, many times that resolution is broken - too tired to get up, football games, fishing, you name it.  

As human beings, we often seem not to be able to follow through on our commitments.  It seems to me when I was growing up back in the dark ages more people did what they said they would do.  Today, not so much.   

I don't know why this is, but it is disheartening.  How disappointed God must be when we promise to spend time with him every day and we don't or we promise to attend church every Sunday and we don't.  And, yet, He loves us and continues to be faithful and patient with us.  Of course, he already knows how we will act; it's no surprise to Him but he never abandons us.  For that, I am truly thankful.

Blessings,

Mary   

   

Big Brother is Watching You (Really)

This morning I read part of an article in the AARP Magazine called "2020 Vision."  This afternoon I found an item in my inbox pointing to a news item from World Net Daily by Bob Unruh called "Americans line up to join 'no-fly' list - Tolerance maxed out for TSA security's voyeurism, molestation, radiation blasts."

"What do these 2 items have in common," you may ask.  Think 1984 by George Orwell.  If you haven't read that book yet, you should.  Animal Farm is another good one from George Orwell.  I read both of these many years ago and don't remember the details but I do remember the "big idea."

"2020 Vision" invited us to "time-travel forward 10 years and look back at a decade of astonishing change."  OK, I'm with them so far.  Talk about robot butlers, microbes that can help digest food and extract calories more efficiently so we all can lose weight effortlessly, making downtown more suburbia-like, a body parts store (kind of), and other interesting (or not) stuff.  Among all these items was a little jewel that made me really really think - about 1984.

"Your Home is Your Helper":  This section of the article talks about the house of the future being able to know and respond to your desires with, for instance, TVs that determine your favorite programs and remind you to watch.  We pretty much have that today in the form of DVRs.  And, I like those.  The article also talked about the possibilities of "Technological Watchdogs" that could keep an eye on the ill or elderly actually being able to sense a change in gait or a fall through special carpeting, for instance.  The article goes on to talk about the possibility of these "Technological Watchdogs" being able to see how often you use your appliances and (I don't lie) monitor how many times you use your bathroom.

Think back to the discovery of nuclear energy for a minute.  When we use nuclear energy to do peaceful, helpful things, it is excellent.  But, when we use it to build destructive things like bombs, those who directly experience its effects don't think it's so excellent.  So, it would be with these "Technological Watchdogs."

If these "Technological Watchdogs" can be "helpful" monitors, they can also be the means for government to keep an eye on and ultimately "control" the people - think 1984.

The "no-fly" list article confirmed what I already thought about the full body scanners now installed or being installed at many airports.  This article is advocating that anyone flying over the Thanksgiving holiday opt out of having the new "full-body, nude-image scanners."  The article describes how some of the images are being used (for example, in one country the screeners amuse themselves by looking at the images of nude women).  If I understand correctly, if you don't want to be full-body scanned, you can opt for a pat down.  But, from what this article says, it sounds like that's not a very good alternative since the pat downs are now, in many cases, more like gropings.  In either event, one would likely feel violated.  In addition, it seems you are subjected to a dose of radiation if you opt for the full-body scan.

It seems there may also be 4th Amendment issues as well.  From the article:

In a WND column, Faith2Action chief Janet Porter warned the video strip-searches are a banana peel on a slick slope.

"Voyeuristic equipment has been deployed at airports around the nation that more than violates your privacy – it violates the Constitution as well as child pornography and obscenity laws," she warned. "While the Fourth Amendment doesn't specifically mention 'electronic' strip searches, here's what it does say:

"'The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.'" 

 

Is full-body scanning good or bad?  Is it really for our safety or is it just one more case of the government taking more and more control?  I don't have an answer to those questions.  You can read the article here if you choose.  

These two items coming together as they did to my house led me to think about another issue that is of concern:  Government-Mandated Electronic Health Records.  My doctor puts his patient records on a computer and I get a diskette with all the test reports, diagnoses, etc. on it in case I need them when I'm on a trip or whatever.  But, the federal government doesn't have access to them.  With the new Government-Mandated Electronic Health Records, the federal government will have access to our health information.  Is that a good thing?  I don't know but I don't think so.  I think only my doctor(s) and I should have access to my medical information.


Even if we might think the government has a good reason to have access to our medical records, I get really suspicious when they say you have to report certain things but not others.  I get even more suspicious when the things they want to see vs. the things they don't need to see don't make any sense to me.  From the article "HHS: Government-Mandated Electronic Health Records Need 'NOT' Include Cancer Diagnoses--As Opposed to Obesity Ratings" by Matt Cover:

HHS's EHR regulations say that every EHR system must, “Calculate body mass index. Automatically calculate and display body mass index (BMI) based on a patient’s height and weight.”

A cancer diagnosis is not the only significant health event that may be omitted from a person's EHR.  HHS also says it is not mandating that health-care providers include an abortion or a diagnosis of HIV/AIDS on a person's EHR. 


Hmmm . . . So, the government doesn't care if you have cancer or HIV/AIDS or an abortion but they do care if you are overweight?  Sounds like more government control coming our way.  Doesn't it?  You can read the article in full here.   


I think you know where I stand on these things now!  Where do you stand?   


Oh, on a happy note:  from the 2020 Vision article, Jim Osborn, executive director of the Quality of Life Technology Center at Carnegie Mellon University said they "found out recently that people prefer robots that apologize when they make a mistake."       


Blessings,


Mary

Sneaky Aging and Collapsing Carriages

I've been busy and I've been a bit under the weather so I haven't posted anything in the past few days.

On November 8 I celebrated my 65th birthday.  I guess that means legally I'm old.  Funny - I don't feel any older today than I did on November 7.  I think old age just sneaks up on you when you are not looking.  I don't mean I'm feeling perfect - not at all.  As I told the chiropractor last time I was there, I'd like to have a spinectomy and become a blob and just ooze along the floor.  I'm guessing my back wouldn't hurt anymore but I'm sure there would be other problems.  So, on second thought, I guess I'll keep my less-than-perfect spine and soldier on.

While my body thinks it is 50 one day and 80 the next, my mind does not seem to change much; it still thinks it's 19.  That's usually a good thing because it keeps me young(er) than I otherwise would be.

Feeling not so good this week and having a milestone birthday led my 19 year old mind back to my mother's old school book, Magic Casements, compiled by George S. Carhart and Paul A. McGhee, East High School, New York, copyright 1928.  It is a compilation of interesting poetry including such works as The Vagabond, Robin Hood and Allin a Dale, The Highwayman, The Walrus and the Carpenter, An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and one of my very favorites:

The Deacon's Masterpiece, or The Wonderful "One-Hoss Shay"

                  A Logical Story

Have you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay,
That was built in such a logical way
It ran a hundred years to a day,
And then of a sudden it — ah, but stay,
I’ll tell you what happened without delay,
Scaring the parson into fits,
Frightening people out of their wits, –
Have you ever heard of that, I say?

Seventeen hundred and fifty-five.
Georgius Secundus was then alive, –
Snuffy old drone from the German hive.
That was the year when Lisbon-town
Saw the earth open and gulp her down,
And Braddock’s army was done so brown,
Left without a scalp to its crown.
It was on that terrible Earthquake-day
That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay.

Now in building of chaises, I tell you what,
There is always somewhere a weakest spot, –
In hub, tire, felloe, in spring or thill,
In panel or crossbar, or floor, or sill,
In screw, bolt, thoroughbrace, — lurking still,
Find it somewhere you must and will, –
Above or below, or within or without, –
And that’s the reason, beyond a doubt,
That a chaise breaks down, but doesn’t wear out.

But the Deacon swore (as Deacons do,
With an "I dew vum," or an "I tell yeou,")
He would build one shay to beat the taown
‘N’ the keounty ‘n’ all the kentry raoun’;
It should be so built that it couldn’ break daown:
"Fur," said the Deacon, "’t’s mighty plain
Thut the weakes’ place mus’ stan’ the strain;
‘N’ the way t’ fix it, uz I maintain, is only jest
‘T’ make that place uz strong uz the rest."

So the Deacon inquired of the village folk
Where he could find the strongest oak,
That couldn’t be split nor bent nor broke, –
That was for spokes and floor and sills;
He sent for lancewood to make the thills;
The crossbars were ash, from the the straightest trees
The panels of white-wood, that cuts like cheese,
But lasts like iron for things like these;
The hubs of logs from the "Settler’s ellum," –
Last of its timber, — they couldn’t sell ‘em,
Never an axe had seen their chips,
And the wedges flew from between their lips,
Their blunt ends frizzled like celery-tips;
Step and prop-iron, bolt and screw,
Spring, tire, axle, and linchpin too,
Steel of the finest, bright and blue;
Throughbrace bison-skin, thick and wide;
Boot, top, dasher, from tough old hide
Found in the pit when the tanner died.
That was the way he "put her through,"
"There!" said the Deacon, "naow she’ll dew!"

Do!  I tell you, I rather guess
She was a wonder, and nothing less!
Colts grew horses, beards turned gray,
Deacon and deaconess dropped away,
Children and grandchildren — where were they?
But there stood the stout old one-hoss shay
As fresh as on Lisbon-earthquake-day!

EIGHTEEN HUNDRED; — it came and found
The Deacon’s masterpiece strong and sound.
Eighteen hundred increased by ten; –
"Hahnsum kerridge" they called it then.
Eighteen hundred and twenty came; –
Running as usual; much the same.
Thirty and forty at last arive,
And then come fifty and FIFTY-FIVE.

Little of all we value here
Wakes on the morn of its hundredth year
Without both feeling and looking queer.
In fact, there’s nothing that keeps its youth,
So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
(This is a moral that runs at large;
Take it. — You’re welcome. — No extra charge.)

FIRST OF NOVEMBER, — the Earthquake-day, –
There are traces of age in the one-hoss shay,
A general flavor of mild decay,
But nothing local, as one may say.
There couldn’t be, — for the Deacon’s art
Had made it so like in every part
That there wasn’t a chance for one to start.
For the wheels were just as strong as the thills
And the floor was just as strong as the sills,
And the panels just as strong as the floor,
And the whipple-tree neither less nor more,
And the back crossbar as strong as the fore,
And the spring and axle and hub encore.
And yet, as a whole, it is past a doubt
In another hour it will be worn out!

First of November, fifty-five!
This morning the parson takes a drive.
Now, small boys, get out of the way!
Here comes the wonderful one-hoss shay,
Drawn by a rat-railed, ewe-necked bay.
"Huddup!" said the parson. — Off went they.

The parson was working his Sunday’s text, –
Had got to fifthly, and stopped perplexed
At what the — Moses — was coming next.
All at once the horse stood still,
Close by the meet’n'-house on the hill.
First a shiver, and then a thrill,
Then something decidedly like a spill, –
And the parson was sitting upon a rock,
At half past nine by the meet’n'-house clock, –
Just the hour of the earthquake shock!

What do you think the parson found,
When he got up and stared around?
The poor old chaise in a heap or mound,
As if it had been to the mill and ground!
You see, of course, if you’re not a dunce,
How it went to pieces all at once, –
All at once, and nothing first, –
Just as bubbles do when they burst.

End of the wonderful one-hoss shay.
Logic is logic. That’s all I say.


           --Oliver Wendell Holmes

When I thought of this poem, I had forgotten the great collapse occurred in November - my birth month - but 90 years earlier.  I'm certainly not suggesting I want to fall apart all at once.  I'm OK with sneaky aging as long as it goes very very very slowly.

Blessings,

Mary         

The Ants Crawl in and the Ants Crawl Out (or not)

Sigh . . .  The phrase 'The ants crawl in, the ants crawl out' has been running through my head for several days in a row and I thought I remembered it from childhood.  I thought my brothers used to chant "The ants crawl in, the ants crawl out; they suck up your guts and they spit 'em out."  Them I searched on that phrase and what I found is the song was actually called "The Hearse Song" and it had nothing to do with ants; it was the worms that did the crawling.  I am actually totally surprised that there actually is a "real" song like this AND, even more interesting, there are several versions - who knew!  Here's one of numerous versions I found online at http://www.alsirat.com/deathlore/worms.html . (BTW, I have no idea who Eliza Fegley is but this is the version she learned at camp :-):

"Eliza Fegley learned this at camp:

Did you ever see a hearse go by
 And wonder what it's like to die?

 I-ho, I-ho
 I-ho, I-ho
 How happy we shall be
 Bum bum

 They put you in a long black box
 And then they cover you up with rocks.

 I-ho, I-ho
 I-ho, I-ho
 How happy we shall be
 Bum bum

 The Worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
 They eat your guts then spit them out.

 I-ho, I-ho
 I-ho, I-ho
 How happy we shall be
 Bum bum

 And when your bones begin to rot
 The worms are there but you are not.

 I-ho, I-ho
 I-ho, I-ho
 How happy we shall be
 Bum bum

 The moral of this is very creative.
 Don't get buried but be cremated.

 I-ho, I-ho
 I-ho, I-ho
 How happy we shall be
 Bum bum"

OK, enough of that silliness!  Back to the crawling ants; no worms here - that I'm aware of.  Maybe a few earwigs from time to time, but no worms.  The ants really are crawling in but not so much out again - at my house.  I spent a good part of this morning sucking up the industrious little guys' dead bodies with the crevice tool of my vacuum.  Like many other little critters, they really like some pressure on multiple sides of their bodies if they can get it so I found their little mostly-dead bodies in every room of the house in numerous corners where I have tile and along the walls wedged between the baseboards and the carpet.  As far as I can tell they have not found the pantry or kitchen counters (yet).

                                                 

I've been battling the little brats for several months but they have become way worse recently.  My pest guy says since the hurricane went through, ants have been way active.  I can attest to that.  He (my pest guy) has been here every month spraying and baiting and every month I think we have defeated them.  Sigh . . . I am always disillusioned.  So, we are trying one more time.  The foundation was treated a couple of days ago and I have removed all the evidence I can find of dead bodies inside so we can easily tell if more slip through the barrier.  The pest guy will be back next week to check up on the situation.  I'm hoping we have finally defeated the enemy but only time will tell.

This is a very strange post - I have no idea where it came from!  Please don't let it deter you from coming back.  Hmmm - I can't guarantee future posts will be any less strange.  So, visit at your own risk!      

The Impact of SIDS Lasts a Lifetime

I had another topic entirely in mind for this post but it was not to be - perhaps tomorrow.

When I started to mention Hawthorne, Nevada in a couple of earlier posts, this subject burst into my mind.  I pushed it away.  Then, this morning at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), our excellent lecturer asked for volunteers to provide child care for the discussion group leaders when they meet to prepare for the full BSF crowd of 500+ ladies. She said if we had a reason we couldn't volunteer such as an illness or we just don't like kids, that's OK, we don't need to volunteer.  Again, this subject burst into my mind.

I NEVER volunteer for child care.  I don't have a disease or illness that would keep me from volunteering - or maybe I do.  While I tend not to be hugely enthusiastic about kids, I don't dislike them.  The reason I don't volunteer EVER is because I am not comfortable being responsible for the welfare of children.

Let me relate a story that far too many parents have experienced.  In 1967 I married William Richard Duval in Reno, NV.  It was a small wedding attended by several of his brothers and their spouses and some friends.  My parents lived in Wappingers Falls, NY and were unable to attend although they were there in their love.

Within our first year of marriage our first child, William Joseph Duval, was born.  He was named after his father and his 2 grandfathers whose names were both Joseph.  Little William was a dear happy little guy.  He was seldom fussy and early on he started sleeping through much of the night (from around 11 p.m. to 5 or 6 a.m. most nights).  He was pretty much perfect.

Then, on September 22, 1968, our world exploded.  William got up and headed for the Monarch Cafe for his weekly Saturday morning coffee with the "usual suspects."  When I woke up, I remember thinking Little William should have been awake by then.  Back then it was very common to lay a child on his stomach so he would not choke if he spit up.  So, he was laying on his stomach.  But, he was easily able to lift his head. Something didn't seem quite right.  I reached down to pick him up and he was cold and stiff.  At that point, I was unable to lift him up into my arms.  So, I simply stared at him as my head exploded.  It was like a huge fire works display going on in my head.  It hurt.  It hurt terribly.  I remember calling the Monarch Cafe to tell William to come home.  I don't remember a whole lot after that.  It was an awful, awful day, week, month, . . .

I remember thinking it was my fault; I did something wrong.  How could this happen?  What should I have done differently?  Maybe we should have bought him a nicer bassinet.  Maybe we should have had a nicer house, maybe we should have . . .  All was, of course, irrational thinking.  Little William had no concept of a nicer bassinet or a nicer house.  He just knew he was fed, bathed, changed and loved.  In the end, it turned out there was nothing we could have done.  At that time, the doctor told us he could have died even if we were simply holding him and didn't realize he had stopped breathing.  But, the guilt feelings don't listen to reason; they listen to grief. So, we grieved.

William Joseph Duval - 6 weeks old

June 17, 1968 - September 22, 1968

The funeral was held, life moved on, we went back to work, and I grieved.  As many of you know, grief can be horrendously painful and debilitating.  I remember many days early on when I went to work, did my job, came home and threw myself sobbing across our bed.  The grief diminishes over time but it is always there buried deep and ready to burst forth with the right trigger even 40+ years later.  Just ask the members of the now non-existent singles small group at Hill Country Bible Church Pflugerville and mention the Igniter video titled "99 Balloons."  Who knew it was there?  I sure didn't.

What comes next after something like this?  You move on.  We did.  But, it turns out you can never leave this behind.  We decided we wanted another baby.  So, on October 6, 1969, I gave birth to our daughter, Mary Louise Duval.  I was so fearful that something bad would happen to her that I could not go into her bedroom in the morning unless I could hear her making noise.  Looking back from where I am now though, I can see that the Lord knew exactly what I needed.  Mary L. (ML) was hyperactive and I don't remember her sleeping much day or night for the first year of her life!  Of course, that was enough to drive a parent nuts!  Eventually, our pediatrician did some tests and determined it would be beneficial to put her on some medication which simply took her down a couple of notches so she could function.  That made a big difference but she was always a very very very active child.  Today, at 41, she still has many things going on at one time :-).  

That's all well and good.  But, I think it important to be aware that ML's entire life until she reached adulthood (and still today if I'm being honest) was a great challenge for me.  I'm not sure how much most parents think about walking the line between over protection and over permissive.  In many cases, I think it's just a work in progress and they don't necessarily think about that fine line.

My focus seemed to always be on that line.  In the beginning, I really wanted to keep her home and not send her to school.  Homeschooling was not much of an option back then and I had to work anyway so it probably wouldn't have been much of an option in any event.  I really wanted to keep her safe from anything and everything - put her in her room with soft toys and harmless stuff and never let her out.  My fear was very high in the early years of her life.  But, I did send her to school and let her do stuff but it went against what I wanted to do. 

Then, as time passed, and she was safe, I began to be more realistic and my fears mellowed to a point where I could see both sides of the line and I consciously walked that line looking at each thing she wanted to do to make sure we weren't being too restrictive and we weren't being too permissive.  It was sometimes stressful and I sometimes second guessed and worried.   And, we sometimes erred on the side of permissiveness because I was so afraid I'd let my fears take away from her those things she really wanted to do (horse back riding and gymnastics, for example).  Most parents go through many of these feelings and stresses but perhaps not at the level as one who has lost a child.  

After a divorce in 1981, ML and I moved from Nevada back to Wappingers Falls, NY to be near my mother who was not as well as we would have liked.  We started over again with a new set of wants and stresses and decisions.  But, we got through that, too.

All these 40+ years later, I have to admit the events of 1968 still form a core part of me and sometimes greatly affect the way I act or react to certain things.  As parents, we expect our children to outlive us.  When they don't, for whatever reason, the loss leaves a big imprint on our hearts and minds that, I believe, is with us until we die.

I hope that someone who has gone through this same type of loss may read this post and understand that, while the grief in some form, will be with you forever, we need to accept that as a part of us and readjust ourselves to incorporate that into how we see and live in the world.  And, we need to move on with our lives and perhaps console and counsel others who have similar experiences.

Blessings,

Mary

KISS, The Desert Navy, and Calliopes

I've never been a fan of KISS.  Then a good friend forwarded this link to me  http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5MtdIO23MKM.  When I watched it, I developed a bit of respect for this strange group and I thought about Hawthorne, Nevada.

Why would this KISS video remind me of Hawthorne, Nevada, you ask?  Watch the KISS video and you will find out (or, from reading onward, you'll realize it has something to do with the military).

When I lived in Hawthorne, it was home to the Naval Ammunition Depot (NAD) Hawthorne which was, and I believe still is, the largest ammunition depot in the world at about 237 square miles.  It was completed around 1930 after an explosion destroyed the Lake Denmark, NJ ammunition plant in 1926.  It is my understanding that NAD Hawthorne provided about 90% of the ammunition for the Viet Nam war.  And, what always amazed me is that it was done with a WW I design bomb line.  I worked there, off and on, for about 12 years as a clerk/stenographer until my then husband and I bought a locksmith shop in Reno around 1980.  It became an Army Ammunition Plan in 1977.  In 1980 it was redesignated as a government-owned contractor-operated facility and its name changed to Hawthorne Army Depot.

One of the things I remember best is when Captain Schweer was the CO.  He had been a submarine captain at some point prior to commanding NAD Hawthorne.  He had a thing for calliopes (think merry-go-round music); so much so that he built his own.  He told us how he brought his sub into port one time with some of his crew dressed as woman dancing to calliope music from his on-board calliope.  I hope I am remembering this story correctly.  But, if it is incorrect in detail, it's not a big deal; it just goes to show his love of calliopes!

Of course, calliopes had to play a part in the life of NAD Hawthorne while he was CO.  I recall one Christmas in the mid-1960s when it was decided that a group of base employees would use a Navy stake truck to travel through the base and Babbitt (government housing) singing Christmas Carols.  We all loaded into the back of the truck which already had as a passenger Captain Schweer's calliope.  I think I am one of a very small group of people who can say they have sung Christmas Carols to the accompaniment of a calliope!  

Many other Nevada memories but those are for another day.

Blessings,

Mary